A Simple Rearrangement
by sinemoras09
Summary: AU. "I am third-seat Madarame Ikkaku of the eleventh division, and I am NOT your captain." Ikkaku and Renji are forced to become captains, and Rukia's shuffled off to the Eleventh. Crack. Gen. Oneshot for now.


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"It is a simple rearrangement," Yamamoto intoned.

Ikkaku was shaking in anger and Renji looked horrified; Rukia just stared, open-mouthed.

"As the only lieutenants who have achieved bankai, Abarai Renji will be temporary captain of the 5th and Madarame Ikkaku will be captain of the 9th. Kuchiki Rukia, as befitting her skills with shikai, will now be ranked, and shall take a seat in the 11th division."

"Wait," Ukitake said. "Rukia is in _my_ division. If she is to be ranked anywhere, it should be with me."

"I am well aware," Yamamoto said. "However, the only seat available in your division is as Vice Captain. She is not of that level."

"But the eleventh...." Ukitake was pale. Rukia glanced back at Kenpachi, who didn't seem to care in the slightest.

"She will replace one of the seats vacant in the eleventh," Yamamoto said.

Ikkaku slammed his fist. "Who told you I achieved bankai? It's a dirty lie!" Ikkaku said. He glanced back at Komamura-taichou, accusingly.

"Madarame Ikkaku. You truly believed your bankai was secret?" Yamamoto said. "Boy. I knew of your bankai since the day you unlocked it. It has only been out of kindness that I did not exploit it."

Ikkaku glowered, staring at the corner.

"Abarai Renji and Madarame Ikkaku _will_ take the captain's exams," Yamamoto continued. "And we will know if you intentionally try to fail," he said, giving a pointed look at Ikkaku.

Kenpachi stretched and stood, then clapped Rukia on the shoulder, almost knocking her off her balance. "Oy. Girl. Welcome!"

Byakuya said nothing; he merely frowned, disapprovingly.

xXx

.

Rukia carefully packed up her things, folding up her clothes in neat squares before glancing mournfully at the eleventh divisions' barracks. She understood that she was the only unranked shinigami who had unlocked her shikai, but her power was kidou-based; the eleventh was certainly _not_. Frowning, she closed her suitcase when there was a knock at the door.

"Ukitake-taichou?" Rukia looked up and saw her captain standing uncertainly at the doorway.

"Rukia-san. May I come in?" Ukitake asked.

"Of course," Rukia said.

Ukitake gracefully entered, settling on the bed beside her. "It is my fault," Ukitake said. "I should have opposed Byakuya more strongly when he insisted you remain unranked. If you were already a lieutenant--"

"Ukitake-taichou, that is ridiculous," Rukia said. She set down her suitcase and looked out the window. In the distance, she could make out the silhouette of the eleventh division's barracks, which was flickering with light. "I will take a seat at the eleventh and I will make the best of it. It is a temporary position, after all."

Ukitake shifted uncomfortably. "Rukia-san," Ukitake said.

"Yes?"

"You realize....you realize you will have to fight Ayasegawa Yumichika for the third seat," Ukitake said. Rukia knitted her brow.

"Why will they not just promote him?" she asked.

"Damned if I know - all they need is an excuse to fight." Ukitake gave a bitter laugh. "Rukia-san. I will not lie and say I am not worried for you," Ukitake said. "The eleventh are little better than savages, and will fight to the death, if allowed. Please do not get caught up in it."

"I will not, Ukitake-taichou."

"Good." Ukitake smiled, sadly. "I will miss your presence. Although with your missions to earth, I suppose I should be used to it."

"_Hai_," Rukia said.

Outside, they could just make out the faint sound of the eleventh squad cheering in the distance.

xXx

.

"This is bullshit!" Ikkaku said.

Yumichika frowned, watching as Ikkaku slammed his things into the wicker basket. "The fucking _ninth_? The fuck are they? Wannabe elevenths, is what!" Ikkaku said.

"You should be more graceful about it," Yumichika said. "You are a captain now, Ikkaku-kun. Whether you like it or not."

"Hmph!" Ikkaku glared. "All I wanted was to serve under Zaraki-taichou. And now I'm with the ninth!" Ikkaku wailed. "It's not _fair_, it's not _right_--"

"It's certainly not very beautiful, the way you're carrying on," Yumichika said.

"You'll have to fight for the third seat, Yumichika. _My_ seat," Ikkaku said. "You'll have to fight Rukia and her ice sword! And you'll _lose_." Ikkaku wailed. "And after I come back, she won't give her seat back to me. Yumichika! It's just not fair!"

"And just what makes you think I'll lose?" Yumichika's tone turned icy.

"Because her sword is _beautiful_!" Ikkaku said. He fell on his knees, inconsolable. "I used to be Madarame Ikkaku, third seat of the eleventh division. Now what am I? Pansy-assed captain of the pansy-assed _ninth_. And now my best friend can't even get my seat because his opponent is prettier than him!"

"_No one_ is more beautiful than I!" Yumichika said. Ikkaku sniffed, pathetically.

"Rukia is," Ikkaku said. "Rukia is a girl."

"Tch." Yumichika glowered. "This is not my aesthetic," Yumichika said. Ikkaku nodded, miserably.

"I know."

xXx

.

In the sixth division's barracks, Renji stood in front of the mirror, wearing his captain's haori. He turned from side to side, frowning and looking at it from all angles: the side, the back. Holding his zanpakuto, then glaring, menacingly.

Renji frowned. He didn't look very much like a captain.

Byakuya said little more to him than a cold "Congratulations," and then "You must make sure to tie your Haori properly, or else it will fall off your shoulders." Which, for the captain, was his way of giving advice. To Renji, however, it seemed that Byakuya was again pointing out that Renji was little more than a slovenly bastard who just stumbled onto bankai, not earned it like the rest of them. The thought of it pissed him off.

"Byakuya," Renji said, and he glared into the mirror. "We are now equals," Renji said. He took up a stance, his reflection staring back, menacingly. "Equals!" Renji said, swinging his zanpakuto. "_Bankai!_"

His zanpakuto exploded, and around the pink swirl Renji had to agree, a captain's haori with Hihiō Zabimaru looked even _more_ stately. "Ah," Renji said, pleased. "Zabimaru. Look at your master _now_!"

While Renji postured in his room, Byakuya sat in his chambers, staring at his roster of lieutenants and frowning. If old man Yamamoto was intent on promoting Rukia, surely there was a spot vacant in the sixth that was better suited for her. He stared at the empty vice-captain's seat where Renji had been, and wondered who among his ranks could he promote. Yamamoto was adament that Rukia was not ready to be promoted to Vice Captain, abilities aside, and Byakuya was determined to promote one of his own and leave a seat open for his sister to take.

But no. No matter how long Byakuya stared, there was no one powerful enough to fill the Vice Captain's seat. A Vice Captain would have to be chosen from outside, as Abarai Renji had been, and Rukia had no choice but to continue to serve in the eleventh's.

Byakuya frowned. This would not do. Quietly he stood, then moved to the window to face the eleventh's barracks.

He would have a word with Kenpachi. It is what a good elder brother should do.

xXx

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"Oi! Listen up! I'm your new captain, Abarai Renji! And you _will_ obey me!"

Renji stood, chest puffed out, glaring at his subordinates and staring, mightily. The shinigami of the fifth glanced back at each other, uneasily. Hinamori stepped forward.

"Abarai-taichou. We will serve you to the fullest," Hinamori said. She knelt down and offered him her supplication. The other members of the fifth glanced around each other before similarly bowing their heads.

Renji grinned. Now _this_ was the life.

"Oi! Give me a drink, peon!"

"Yes sir, Abarai-taichou!"

Renji could get used to this.

At the same time, in the 9th division barracks, Ikkaku stood at the head of the chamber, glaring. "I am third-seat Madarame Ikkaku of the eleventh division," Ikkaku said. "I am _not_ your captain."

The 9th division shifted, uneasily. "Madarame-taichou," Hisagi said.

"I am _not_ a captain!" Ikkaku said. "And technically you outrank me."

Hisagi stared at him like he was mad. "You were promoted," Hisagi said. "And as your Vice Captain, it is my duty to serve you."

"Tch. Like I want that," Ikkaku said. He squatted on the ground, grinning. "Alright. If it's your duty to listen to me, then listen: I'm not your captain. You can be captain, if you want."

"Madarame-taichou!"

"I told you! I am third-seat Madarame Ikkaku of the eleventh division! I am _not_ a captain, I don't _want_ to be a captain, and if you assholes have something to say about that, just go ahead and _say it_," Ikkaku said.

The 9th division shrunk back. Hisagi glared. Ikkaku broke out into a grin.

"Oi. Hisagi. You can be captain if you want. You can do all the paperwork and bullshit with it. Just call me if you need bankai." Ikkaku stood, dusting off his pants. "Here. You can even have this haori. I don't like it."

"But Madarame-taichou--"

Ikkaku waved his hand. "Not now," Ikkaku said. "I'm leaving."

Hisagi stared open-mouthed, holding the haori in his hands.

xXx

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"Yeah! Kill her! Kill her!"

The crowd jeered. Rukia took up her sword, staring at Yumichika, whose blade had already deviated into four. "Go, Yumichika! Make her pay!" The eleventh shouted, jostling and pushing against each other. Rukia glanced back, nervously.

The night before, Renji had stopped by her room to give her advice. _"They hate kidou users," Renji had said. He sat beside her, looking worried. "Whatever you do, try not to use Sode no Shirayuki. If you beat Yumichika using it they'll kill you."_

_"They wouldn't." Rukia was horrified. Renji shook his head._

_"It's the eleventh," Renji said. "At the very least, they'd make your life difficult."_

Yumichika's blades slammed into Rukia's sword. She blocked, then parried. Her sword sang, metal crashing against metal. The crowd jeered louder. "Oi! Yumichika! That chick's _winning_!"

Yumichika swung, his four blades arcing beautifully before crashing down upon Rukia's small flame. She flinched. Yumichika pressed harder with more power and her elbows shook.

"_Whatever you do..._" Renji had said.

"Dance," Rukia said. A bead of sweat formed on her brow. "_Sode no Shirayuki_!"

There was an explosion; ice forming all around them. Yumichika was thrown back by the power of the blast. Rukia stood, heaving, her zanpakuto gleaming white.

The crowd roared. Yumichika reared back, gritting his teeth.

"Some no mai, _Tsukishiro_!"

The column of ice erupted, and Yumichika was once again slammed backward from the sheer force of it. The crowd roared louder.

Yumichika dropped his sword.

xXx

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Third-seat Kuchiki Rukia limped back pitifully to her barracks. Around her, the shinigami of the eleventh glared. They purposefully knocked into her shoulders as they walked past, glaring and muttering. "Fucking ice bitch," they said. Rukia shrunk back. They glared and muttered and it was all Rukia could do to hurry to her room.

Closing the door with a sigh, Rukia leaned heavily against the wall. "Ukitake-taichou," Rukia said. "You were right. I can't handle this..."

Rukia sank to the ground. She pressed her face to her hands, shaking, slightly.

"Oi. Girl. The hell're you doin?"

Rukia looked up, startled. Sitting on her bed was none other than Zaraki-taichou, arms crossed and grinning. "Ya won," Zaraki said. "And you're sittin' here mopin' like you ain't worth a good goddamn. The fuck is that about?"

"Yeah, Ken-chan, yeah!" Yachiru popped out from behind Zaraki's shoulder. She stuck her tongue out to Rukia. "Mmm!"

"Zaraki-taichou, my apologies," Rukia said. Her hand fluttered toward the door. "I'll take my leave, now."

"Your brother said to talk to ya," Zaraki said. Rukia stopped, then turned. "I told 'em to fuck off, but the frou-frou bastard just looked at me like I was crazy or somethin'."

"Nii-sama?" Rukia said. "He...he spoke with you?"

Zaraki grunted. Yachiru grinned. "He was worried and everything!" Yachiru said. "But Ken-chan was nice, he said he'd take care of you! Right, Ken-chan?"

"I told 'em not to fuck with ya," Zaraki said, bluntly. Rukia stared. "You're a lady, like," Zaraki said, uncomfortably. "An' you're just fillin' in."

"Right!" Yachiru said. "Until Ikkaku-kun comes back!"

"Doesn't mean they'll like ya, though," Zaraki said.

"I know," Rukia said. "Thank you, Zaraki-taichou."

They stood awkwardly a moment before Yachiru tugged on Zaraki's hair.

"Ken-chan! I'm hungry! Can we go now?"

"Oi, brat! Not too hard!"

"Left, Ken-chan! Left!"

Rukia wasn't sure how well she would fit in.

xXx

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At the captains' meeting, Renji was surprised to see Hisagi Shuhei sitting next to him. "You're...you're a _captain_?" Renji said.

Hisagi glared. "Not really," he said. He plucked his white haori disdainfully.

Renji craned his neck and saw Ikkaku sitting with the other officers, eating lunch and chatting with the other lieutenants. "Oi! Ikkaku!" Renji said. "What the hell?"

"What?" Ikkaku gave a comical little shrug. "I'm third-seat Madarame Ikkaku. Only captains sit at that table," Ikkaku said.

"Baka." Renji rolled his eyes and turned, coming face to face with Byakuya himself.

"Kuchiki-taichou." Renji stared.

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. "Abarai Renji," Byakuya said. "And how does captain-hood suit you?"

"Uh..." Suddenly Renji couldn't think. So of course he said the first thing that popped into his head. "The fifth is _weird_," Renji said. "They listen to everything I say! Even the stupid stuff..." he glanced back at Hinamori and the others, who were dutifully pressing Renji's robes. "Maybe they're used to being bossed around by Aizen. I don't know."

Meanwhile, the ninth grumbled. "Our captain's a meathead," one of them muttered. They glanced back at Ikkaku, who was laughing mightily.

Rukia glanced nervously around her, before making her way toward the other officers of the eleventh. She gripped her tray tight, the little container of tea clattering softly on the plate.

A hand pressed against her shoulder. "Allow me."

Rukia looked up and saw Yumichika standing behind her.

"Oh! Yumichika-san. My apologies--" Rukia started to turn when Yumichika frowned and took the tray from her.

"You are third seat Kuchiki Rukia," Yumichika said, prettily. "A third seat shouldn't be serving lesser men tea."

"Oh. I see." Rukia nodded. "I thought it would curry favor."

"You have much to learn," Yumichika said. "Come. Eat with me. We beautiful people cannot sully ourselves with the likes of lesser men."

Rukia blinked. Yumichika scowled.

"Are you coming or not?" Yumichika asked.

Rukia nodded and followed after him.

xXx

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"Oi. So you hear Yumichika's teaching Rukia how to fight, now?"

Renji stared as Ikkaku waxed his head. He stood at the river's edge, polishing his scalp until it was gleaming. "Yumichika?" Renji said. "But didn't Rukia beat him?"

"Ha! Yeah, but her shikai was so pretty, Yumichika couldn't resist!" Ikkaku's head gleamed. He grinned, pleased with his reflection. "The fruity bastard. You'd think he'd be jealous, but no. Now he's made it his mission to help her fit in."

"Thank god," Renji said. "The eleventh's rough."

"Teme! _I'm_ from the eleventh!"

"And so am I!" Renji said. They glared at each other for a beat before settling down again.

"Byakuya also spoke with Zaraki," Renji said. "He said if anything happened to her, he would rain holy fire down upon the whole eleventh barracks! I was afraid Zaraki might take it as a challenge."

"Baka," Ikkaku said. They were silent for a moment, watching the water coursing down the stream.

"I don't like being captain, there's too much responsibility," Renji said. "I thought it was cool at first, everyone listening to me and doing what I say. But what if I make a mistake? What if I do something stupid, and everyone dies because of it?"

"All I wanted to do was serve under Zaraki-taichou," Ikkaku said, wistfully. "I'm Madarame Ikkaku, third seat of the eleventh division. And I'm stuck here, babysitting the fucking 9th."

"At least Rukia is getting something out of it," Renji said. "Yumichika's dressing her up like she's his personal paper doll, it pisses me off."

"Well at least he's making her pretty."

"Tch. Teme."

Ikkaku shifted his weight, then stood. "Well. I gotta go. Hisagi will shit his pants if I'm not back in time."

"Yeah," Renji said. He stood up, too. "If I'm not back in time Hinamori will pitch a fit."

They stared at each other mournfully, their haoris fluttering in the breeze, before turning back and heading to their barracks.

* * *

**A/N: I have no idea where this came from. I'm pretty sure Yumichika would love dressing Rukia up and making her pretty and whatnot. And Ikkaku would SO not like being a captain. LOL. I might continue this someday. We'll see :)**


End file.
